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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 16/09/2012 :  15:57:51  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
The below is an email that I sent out to the voluntary groups that I was working with or for and is an explanation to them as to why I have ceased my membership of them (Newark Civic Trust, Friends of Newark Cemetery, Royal British Legion and Newark Poetry Society).

<---start quote--->

Some Thoughts on Disablement

Some time ago I became aware that I was forgetting things, more than usually that is, and that whole chunks of long-term memory had gone: faces, places, names, memories and speech had all gone and I felt stripped of my own self and what I presumed was the real me.

For a long time I have been stranded in a transition between the old me and this unknown person: I was at a vast junction with multiple paths to my front and sides and a blurred sign in front of me, which I could not read.

In my head I was at a barrier, which was preventing me from being who I thought I was and I kept looking for ways to return to that safe and well-known form of 'me'.

Slowly I came to realise that this was not a barrier but rather it was an opportunity and that I can step away from that old shell of mindful safety and choose other routes and be unburdened by things from my past.

A line has been drawn in my life's account book and a new, blank page lies ready for me to fill it in.

I know what the sign says, it says, “No 'U' Turns” and that frees me from the past in that I can choose what to put into my life and what to take out.

The sign also means that I shall never recover my memories and that where I go from here will always be tempered with the knowledge that I shall not remember most of what happens from here on.

For a long while I was desperate to go back to the familiar but then I realised that other people find those of us who have problems, of the body, mind or personality, unapproachable: I had to find some solid ground within myself upon which to build my new foundations and I had to do this alone because I cannot tell you what I need because I do not know where I have come from or where I am going in the short term before the atoms of my body return to the universe.

I have thought for a long time about whether or not to bring forward with me those remnants of my past life that still linger; it is tempting to remain with them, it is the safe and sensible thing to do, but that would mean turning back the page in my account book and blurring the line and trying to do partial 'U' turns.

The opportunity is here and I feel that I must clear the decks of my sailing ship and prepare for battling the storms of the rest of my life and to sail away from familiar lands.

I have always wanted to be an artist and now I can go back to the beginning and start again, though I have already started on the writing side with two volumes of poetry published and am working on a book on autistic humour and I want to do a book of cartoons, have joined the Journey Art Group, some time ago, and am learning the basics of painting, am slowly rebuilding my garden but it takes time when you have to do everything kneeling or lying down – but that is an adventure too.

<---end quote--->

I shall continue with this group but not on a regular basis.

Currently, heavily involved with writing The Crocodile Chronicles and am about half way through the first draft.

Also, am doing an art course and learning sketching and painting.

I am still levelling my middle garden but this is having to be done kneeling or lying down and is taking a long time. After that I shall build the external enclosure for the guinea pigs (x8) and a specially heated wire enclosure for the grasshoppers (x5) so that we can get them to breed.

Still visiting the hospital and now have to see the urologist to have some cysts checked out.

Mentally I am more active and the word puzzles and games are helping, though my speech often does not make sense, but I am making more sense than nonsense these days.

Have been bedded down for a long while, so just sat up in bed and wrote about the crocs, which is also the book on autistic humour.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 21/11/2012 :  15:42:30  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Memory is still bad, though my speech is improving, physically my knees are bad and have had to move my bedroom into the conservatory.

Doing the arts and trying to enjoy not being able to do what I see in my head - trying to go with the flow, so to speak - more like welding than word-smithing.

My world has shrunk and there is little space for others' beyond Nell and my sister, I am enclosed in this shell determined by the extent of my memory and how long i can remember for.

Writing is coming back but cannot remember what I want to write or speak. Sentences are kept short.

Others'?

Sorry, not interested, yet.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 14/06/2013 :  01:17:09  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
My memory has settled down to around 2 hours - yesterday is a foreign land.

My home has bits of paper blue-tacked everywhere with instructions on how to do things and a daily list of things to do, including feeding the guinea pigs.

It is essentially like 'living now' my panorama is the whole world but viewed through a macro lens; it is endlessly fascinating and i am never bored because each day is completely new.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 12/10/2013 :  22:03:41  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Grief

It is a whole body depression and soul-searing anguish; my body is incomplete - half of me is missing and will never return.

My home is empty; our nest is riven with despair and my lady is gone.

It is too soon to take away her things, each item is a memory, a piece of cloth, her glasses, a spray from one of her scent bottles, a hat, a glove, a shoe.

I expect Nell to be there and hear her in the other room and hope that she is there, but it is just my memory that tries to comfort me and give me my lady.

This nest is all I have of her and I try not to disturb it, not to dirty the memories of that last day when she walked out to the ambulance, I have not tidied up nor cleaned it - I know that I must let go and admit that she is gone, but not yet, another day and another, until the days slide into one another and the trap of depression snaps shut around my mind.

I am at the bottom of the well, deep down, but looking up at the sky and knowing that I cannot fall any further; the only way onward is to climb back out.

It is a depressive curve, days of depression, days of mania and paranoia and anger, some few days of almost normality when I bathe and clean myself from the weeks of despair.

The plateau of reality and level-headedness is within reach but I must not push I must allow myself the ghastly awfulness of experiencing this grief so that I can go forward with memories and sadness but not this destructive depression.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 12/10/2013 :  22:06:38  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Some Thoughts on My World
October 4, 2013 at 3:15am

This year is horrible, my Annus Horibilis, two family members dead and one dying of cancer.
 
My disablement is worsening but I have loads of friends in Nottingham and Lincoln and on the internet, but I look for that special lady who wants to be my companion and friend and ultimately my partner.
 
But at my age I see widowed women each seeking to replace the man that they have lost with a personality clone of their loved one; I do not want that because I accept women as they really are.
 
I have no preconceived ideas as to what I want or what they look like; they will simply be themselves.
 
Nell died in January 2013 and I came off all of my medication in order to experience the full grief, the sadness, the rage, the aggression, the possessiveness, the privacy, the cloistered home and now 8 months later I am starting to feel more like my old self, before Nell was dying, before 2008.
 
While Nell was severely ill I avoided getting into confrontations or doing anything that could upset her; so I allowed others to think that I was more passive than I really am - actually I have quite an explosive temper, which is dissipated by doing gardening and physical exercises and the rest of the rage is used to overcome the high levels of pain.
 
Apart from Nell who was my partner, I have been a live-in carer for 3 other terminally ill people, so I have contacts in the councelling services for coping with grief.
 
One of the annoyances of having lost a loved one are all those people with limited professional (if any) experience of grief councelling who insist that 'they care' and that 'they only want to help' usually offering impractical and nonsensical advice or trying to play at getting you to grieve - as if one did not have enough to cope with already.
 
The grief process starts the moment you realise that your love is not coming home - you do not need some half-bottomed twerp to come along and provoke it.
 
Then there is Social Services who want me to move into one of their bungalows for elderly people and I can park my £6,000 wheelchair outside because the bungalow is too small for the chair - the bungalow is NOT ACCESSIBLE is it you xxxxxxx!!!!!
 
Privacy is another issue because everything in the house is now a memory of Nell and you need to live within the house with those memories, slowly moving stuff, accepting the sorrow, the weeping, the agony of loss with each item that one touches, sees, smells, tastes, hears and to experience all of the memories as one slowly accepts that one is alone and she is never coming back.
 
For a while the house is a shrine, then it becomes a nest of memories, then it evolves into a cloister and, when the grief is lessened by time, it becomes a home again and outsiders can visit again; but during grief one does not want visitors, one does not want them touching things or breathing in the same space or bringing dirt or stale odours into the home in case some essence is lost of one's memories.
 
To those who think that being caring is to ignore what the grieving person says or wants or needs and demand entrance to the private memory space, I say this, I pity you because you have no experience of a really close relationship where partnership has been superceded by 'oneness' where two people have become a single entity:   until you experience this you will have no idea of how awful the grief is or how powerful the rage is, nor will you understand what the individual needs.
 
Equally, now imagine that part of that single entity has autism and it is that component who still lives, do you, as a neurotypical 'norm' have any idea of what a grieving autistic needs?
 
No, you do not, you cannot even imagine the total, all encompassing need for non-speaking silence to go with the sensory overload that the grief has caused - any interruption or demand for communication will set off a rage attack - but 'norms' think that their 'need to care' comes first and do not listen to the grief-stricken person who asks why they want to invade the cloister.
 
Afterwards, for some reason, no apology comes from those 'who care' after all as far as they are concerned they did nothing wrong - but the expectation is that the grieving human being must apologize to them - well cutlery to them!

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 12/10/2013 :  22:08:12  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Today I Laughed

21st May 2013 and 5 days short of 4 months since Nell died and today I laughed and the world is not a sad place.

I stood and talked with the guinea pigs (cavi), though the conversation was one-sided because they were too busy eating and moving the new hay around and I found that I was looking forward for the first time in months.

The middle garden will be for the cavi and I am re-designing it for them, though I shall install a mounting block for a rotary clothes dryer and steps down to the lower garden on the bank of the river; I think that I shall invest in some large casks and fill them with soil and small trees and run steel re-inforcing rods down through them and deep into the bank so the occasional flood won't wash them away.

In the house I am having a stair-lift fitted – the local Council are providing a Disabled Facilities Grant to carry out the work and it will make it possible for me to stay in this house.

I have a very good landlord and they are happy to keep me on as a long-term tenant.

Art-wise I am doing the initial studies for a set of 5 images of Nell, I was working on doing these when she was still alive but, at least, I have plenty of photos and the creative lever which pushes me forwards has re-asserted itself and I shall slowly work on these and get likenesses of our emotions and times together.

On the writing side I am working on the book on autistic humour, though the poet has yet to re-awaken.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Sland
Member

United Kingdom

343 Posts

Posted - 13/10/2013 :  00:31:20  Show Profile Send Sland a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Good to hear from you Chris. Laughter is wonderful isn't it?

Rgds,
Mike
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 21/04/2014 :  21:23:13  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
I keep busy, my mind is full of things to do and things that need to be done and I find that my small world is enjoyable and there is no need for speech; the creative lever has returned and I am forced in that direction and everything pours out.

Grief is for one's own selfish needs but love replaces this and one wants to express one's love for the missing partner.


Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 03/12/2014 :  20:15:43  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Well, here I am again, about to be married (on 10th December) to a lady who is disabled.

We met online last April and just wrote back and forwards as online friends and found that despite our joint language problems that we just clicked and enjoyed each other's company.

Mabale is Zimbabwean, a nurse who was injured on duty and is now severely disabled with leg, arm and head trauma.

We look after each other and cope with each other's foibles.

This is not going to be easy but it will be good for both of us and neither of us is expecting an easy relationship.

I think that we recognize that this relationship is about companionship.


Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 13/03/2015 :  01:39:56  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
The marriage went well, we survived the relatives and children who were here for a month and Mabale moved in on 5th February 2015 and now we have managed to sort everything out.

We seem to be managing our respective disablements and we both have memory problems which makes life interesting.

I cannot remember longer than a couple of hours for non-verbal stuff and about 2 minutes for verbal.

Mabale cannot take in written stuff but is fine with verbal information - so we fit together quite well.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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janhedger
Administrator



United Kingdom

4216 Posts

Posted - 13/03/2015 :  20:40:03  Show Profile  Visit janhedger's Homepage  Send janhedger an AOL message Send janhedger a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Thanks for letting us know how it all went and is going for the two of you - many congratulations - on showing trust in compatibility - a rare and valuable commodity in companionship.
Jan

We cannot stop, because if a single one of these men were taken and shot, that would be our fault - Edith Cavell
http://www.janscreativewriting.co.uk/ -updated Aug 17 - with new poems/photo's - video interviews - see PowerPoint slide shows, audio files & my books.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 13/03/2015 :  21:33:41  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Thanks Jan,

We argue like cat and dog, but have a lot of humour and fun and get on very well together.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 04/05/2015 :  12:57:35  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006701325282

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
Go to Top of Page

Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 10/06/2015 :  00:12:27  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
I am having some tests done for cancer following persistent pain in my abdomen - personally think it is the irritable bowel playing up.

Mabel and I informed our respective benefits offices that we had got married - result they stopped our benefits - what a bloody useless system - fortunately my army pension and war pension have tided us over and my benefits are restarted and we are fighting to get Mabel's sorted out.

Needless to say all of our efforts are in sorting out the mountain of paperwork that is necessary to sort out this mess.

Also trying to get compensation for Mabel for her accident that she had in 2005, yes a while ago but she was not fit to mount a claim before this.

Writing and art is on the back burner.

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
Go to Top of Page

Chris Green
Member



Newark-upon-Trent
United Kingdom


2301 Posts

Posted - 17/01/2016 :  21:19:11  Show Profile  Visit Chris Green's Homepage Send Chris Green a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Apparently I have some fibroids in the upper bowel and they are being watched and I have some problems with the testes but again it is not cancer.

I had a stroke during the annual Poppy Appeal and so only took £230 this year, but it is better than nothing.

On the arts side I am working to commissions for portraits and currently have a small waiting list and I have been commissioned to write an 'Atlas' of Newark Cemetery for the 160th Anniversary and the 10th Anniversary of the Friends of Newark Cemetery.

On the design side I am working with medical re-enactors to create authentic uniforms and to produce the prototype clothing items, which then go off to the people who do the production runs.

Internet wise I run a website on Weebly, some pages and groups on Facebook, Linked In, Flickr and You Tube.

On the computer I am learning Microsoft ICE, which is an image handler and will allow me to stitch the images together from the UAV photos and videos of the cemetery.

The next problem is linking the database of burials to the interactive overlay of headstones, which in turn is overlaid onto the photo montage, obviously the best way to do this is in the form of a website, which is accessible from mobile phones and tablets, etc..

Regards,
Chris Green
frankgreen2@virginmedia.com
http://chrisgreen.weebly.com/

Service before self

'A Poppy in My Buttonhole' available now SEE:
http://www.rossendalebooks.co.uk/
http://www.lulu.com/content/2791550

My next book will be "The Crcodile Chronicles" and is projected to be launched 2015 or a quarter past eight in time for Christmas.
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